my mask

MY MASK 8 feb, 11:50
TODAY I SHED A TEAR FOR WHAT, I KNOW NOT BUT THIS LUMP IN MY THROAT REMINDS ME OF THE EMOTIONS I HAD FORGOT. THESE I WAS FORCED TO HIDE, SO THESE TEARS I COULD NOT CRY. BEATEN INTO BELIEVING IT WAS A SIGN OF WEAKNESS AND SHAME. I DIDN’T WANT TO BE HURT ANYMORE SO I INTERNALIZED THE PAIN. I MADE MYSELF DISSEAPEAR TO ANOTHER PLACE IN MY MIND. WHERE I COULDN’T BE REACHED AT ALL, NOT EVEN BY A VOICE THAT WAS KIND. I HAD TO APPEAR STRONG, TOLD MYSELF TO BE TOUGH, BUT MY BLACK EYES, THESE WELTS ON MY BODY AND BLOODY LIP, FOREVER CALLED MY BLUFF. I FELT LIKE I WAS NOTHING, I’M DIRT, NOT HUMAN A BASTARD. I WAS SCORNED. I AM A MISTAKE. I WISH I WAS DEAD. WHY WAS I EVEN BORN? WHEN I WAS BEATEN BLOODY, THEY CALLED IT TEACHING A LESSON. WHEN I WAS SCREAMED AT AND CALLED UGLY NAMES, THEY SAID IT WAS LOVE. BUT WHY WON’T THE PAIN IN MY HEART LESSEN? WHEN I WAS ABANDONED THEY CLAIMED THEY STILL CARED. BUT I ALWAYS WONDERED, EVEN TODAY, THEN WHY AIN’T YOU HERE? THESE ARE THE THOUGHTS, THAT RUN RAMPID TROUGH THE VOID IN MY MIND, THE FACE YOU SEE BEFORE YOU SMILING IS MY MASK, THAT I HIDE BEHIND. BECAUSE INSIDE, I’M BROKEN, SHATTERED, EMPTY, YET FILLED WITH PAIN. JUST THE SHELL OF A LITTLE BOY WHO ONCE REMAINED……. JUST THE SHELL OF THE MAN THAT I AM TODAY !!!! SHAUN J. MATZ