shaun/sylvia/peg

my name is shaun

2010-02-23T12:04:00.000-08:00

My name is Shaun; I am age three
my eyes are swollen, i can barely see
I must've been stupid, I must've been bad
what else could've made my daddy so mad?
I wish I were better, I wish I weren't ugly
then maybe my own daddy would hug me.
I can't speak at all, I can't do wrong
or else I'm locked in my room, all day long
when I awake, I am all-alone
The house is dark and my parents aren't home,
when mommy does come, I will try and be nice
maybe then I'll get just one wooping tonight
Daddy's home early, I hear him coming !
I'm so scared now,that my heart is running
I hear him curse and he calls my name,
why do I feel so much shame
I press myself against the wall,
Then crouch down into a ball
As I try to hide from his evil eyes
I am so afraid that I start to cry
He finds me weeping and shouts ugly words
He says it's all my fault he suffers at work
he slaps me and hits me and yells at me more
I finally get free and run for the door
He's already locked it, and I start to ball
He grabs me and trows me hard against the wall
I fall to the floor with my bones nearly broken,
and my daddy continues with more bad words spoken
I scream "I am sorry daddy", but it's to late
His face is now twisted into unimaginable hate
The hurt and the pain again and again
oh please God have mercy, please make it end!!!
Finally he stops and heads for the door.
And there I lay motionless, sprawled out on the floor
My name is Shaun, I am age three
And tonight .....my daddy murdered me !!

By: Shaun J. Matz

Als note heeft hij er bij geschreven:

This may be one of the only times you'll read my words outside of its usual poetic form, but my reasoning for this is to quickly explain the following poem and my reason for writing it.
You see, the poem that follows reflects in a way what I went through as a child and I pray it will give you who have children the same feeling it has given me, you see I've spent most of my life trying to understand why my parents treated me the way they did and how it has had an impact on my life even though now I am a grown man the scares still remain both physical and emotional. I pray this poetic depiction of my childhood abuse opens the eyes of those of you who have children and realize that children are like fine china, break if not handled with love, affection and caring. This poem has opened my eyes and heart and all I am hoping is it does the same for everyone else.

Shaun J. Matz

I could use someone with a heart of gold

2009-05-24T23:43:00.000-07:00

I received an address from someone in prison in Wisconsin desperatly in need of someone to get his mind out of those four walls:

JEFFREY L DEMARS # 00044788
Date of Birth: 05/26/1955
Age: 53

CCI
Po box 900
Portage, WI 53901
USA

Maybe you are the one that can help him?

Hopefully you are considering to become a penpal

2009-03-04T22:43:00.000-08:00

A note of caution: We feel that children under the age of 18 should not write prisoners unless they specifically know the person.

Below is a list of ideas for those who want to learn from other’s mistakes. Do not let it scare you off because the rewards from writing men and women in our prisons far outweigh the woes. Those of us who have become close to some inmates and their families have been on a journey of discovery and our lives have been greatly enriched.

When one of us encounters difficulties with a prisoner, we often team up in working with an inmate- give each other support. On the other hand, one of the reasons we are so committed to this work are the wonderful friends we have made in the inmates. Prison breaks many people but it also forces many people to evolve into incredible human beings. Many inmate have a focus and outlook that is unavailable among we over stimulated “free” people.

Here is advise on how to begin from one of our members:
Please forget any preconceptions or stereotypes you may have heard of people in prison. In your first letter, explain a little about yourself why you are writing, and ask if the person would like writing to you. Introduce yourself, describe yourself and the concern that leads you to write. Feel free to ask about prison life, about the persons interests, where they are from, whether they have any appeals in progress etc. It's good to ask questions, because it gives the person something to respond to, but do not ask to many at once-especially in the first letter. Let trust grow between you, and always try to share as much about yourself as you ask the other person to share.

If you feel you only will be able to write, for example, monthly, make this clear to the person. It is important not to promise things that you will not be able to follow through on. If you want to send things like books, stamps, stationary, or food, ask first whether the person wants them, whether they will be able to enter prison and how they will need to be sent.

The person may ask you to send money- if you feel good about that, ask in which way you could send it. NEVER feel obliged to respond to a request for money, again, be sure to find out first in what form it must be sent. You may want to send the person a money order yourself, but ask beforehand if it is appreciated, it may be that the money goes onto an amount of debts, and the inmate would have wanted to receive a magazine subscription or so instead.

Most prisons do not allow letters with no senders name and address.

Always print or write your name and address neatly on the envelope and include it again in the body of the letter in case something happens to the envelope. Put your pen pals last name and correctional ID number on each sheet of paper or the back of any photos that you enclose - this insures that pages won't get lost when the mail is opened.

Do not put off if you do not receive a reply straight away, prisoners are sometimes limited to how many letters they can write each week. One thing more to remember: all mail to prisoners will be opened and censored, so don't write anything that could jeopardize future actions or someone's freedom.

A few more tips:

1) State your intentions in the first letter. Be clear about why you are writing the inmate. If you set the tone now, you can avoid misunderstandings later.

2) The great majority of the people we write are delighted with a short note once in a while, while others will reveal more about themselves will allow the relationship to become deeper. Later you may be asked for money for canteen etc or be given other requests. They may ask you to make copies for them or do hunting on the internet. You can say you just want to be friends and will not be giving them money, etc. Do not do anything you have any doubts about and feel free to email us for advise or call the prison to ask for clarification of rules if you have doubts about the appropriatemness of a request. All the way along in this relationship, remember you are in control over what you agree to do.

3) Usually the inmate will freely talk about the reason for his or her incarceration. Most of us wait until the relationship is established before we ask, but it is often our hesitancy, not theirs.

Take a look at some of these sites:

http://mentallyillinprison.blogspot.com/ or

http://friendsofprisoners.blogspot.com/2007/09/most-needy-of-nurturing-not-hard-to.html

http://www.geocities.com/prisonerpenpals/

Introducing Shaun

2009-03-02T22:58:00.000-08:00

My name is Shaun and I am 29 years old.

And like many others in prison I have made a mistake, but no one deserves to be treated the way we are treated in some prisons:

We who are confined to H.S.C. unit receive no mental health treatment whatsoever, are subjected to almost total sensory and social isolation. The so-called psychologists never do any rounds and many of us cannot take being housed on this unit and the only way that myself as well as many others deal with it is to hurt ourselves.

I have cut my throat with razors, glass and metal and wasn’t suppose to live through any of those incidents. My arms are so scarred I don’t even look human any more. And yes, I do get teased and laughed at quite a bit by staff and other inmates. However, they don’t understand that the only way I feel alive or human is when I can see the evidence of my mortality flowing from my veins and the only way these people here respond is by stripping me naked and putting me in a cold cell but then a few days later putting me back on the tier declaring me “OK”. But I’m not okay, and I don’t know how much more of this I can take. The doctor cut off my anti-psychotic meds and everyday I want to cut myself but because these people will use it against me to keep me locked in here I try and resist the urge. I don’t know what to do any more.

Honestly , I believe the fight for our rights is the only thing that is keeping me alive right now. Without the cause or the fight I have nothing. Ms Swan, I ask you to please help us to get our voices heard so that we may change things for the better so that no more human beings die in here.”

There is one point in the system where humanity can be inserted and that is Wisconsin Resource Center, (WRC)- A place where real treatment goes on. However, with a 300 hundred bed capacity, prisoners can stay there only a short time before they are cycled back to prison and often, segregation again.

more usefull sites

2009-02-22T13:41:00.000-08:00

I got the idea of starting this all from Ms. Peggy Swan, she is a great, sweet woman who has dedicated her life to helping the men in prison that are being abused, denied medication and other horrible things like that.

See what her findings are:

http://mentallyillinprison.blogspot.com/ or

http://friendsofprisoners.blogspot.com/2007/09/most-needy-of-nurturing-not-hard-to.html

www.forumforunderstandingprisons.net/penpals: main penpal page

and maybe (hopefully) you will find it in your heart to join the cause en to help or write a note to one of the people that need it so badly.

They made mistakes, but so have we ...... we all have done something in our lives that we wish we wouldn't have done.

darkness

2009-02-22T12:58:00.000-08:00

Darkness fills my mind
but I try and hide it
slipping away is my time
so I byde it
past memories of those who have gone before me,
some were enemies
but most betrayed me as friends and family
rest in peace
can someone tell me when this life of pain will ever cease?
They tell me to change my ways,
or I'll never make it
I've smiled death in the face so many times now
there is no faking it,
and these feelings of hopelessness and despair
aint no shaking them
another attempt on my life
fuck it
make another cut, death I'll take it
never again will I be the same
if you cant hear me
let me show my pain
you see these scars on my throat, arms and wrists
If you've been, where I've been
you'd try too, to get away from all the emotional pain and psysical stress
once upon a time I called myself soldier
had to break up a thousand times over
in here every day is the same
but year after year, my heart grows colder
and they ask me why
I am always angry
it's because hate
is what they made me
Hate is what they made me,

By Shaun J. Matz

my reality

2009-02-22T12:51:00.000-08:00

My reality, my dismal crypt consists of razor wire fences and concrete bricks
Hatred, Rage, Terror and Pain screaming in tongues Translated:
the language of the deranged, at night sleep only comes when the souls departs,
my dreams are lucid as monsters march I scream but my lips are sewn shut
only heard in my own mind like a blade the lonelyness cuts
I try to live but the light hurts so much darkness kisses my skin
like a wandering ghost touch these tears are blood that are shed for
Death my dismal crypt my reality as these walls close in
I take my last breath as these walls close in
I take my last breath.....
By: Shaun J. Matz

my mask

2009-02-22T12:44:00.001-08:00

MY MASK 8 feb, 11:50
TODAY I SHED A TEAR FOR WHAT, I KNOW NOT BUT THIS LUMP IN MY THROAT REMINDS ME OF THE EMOTIONS I HAD FORGOT. THESE I WAS FORCED TO HIDE, SO THESE TEARS I COULD NOT CRY. BEATEN INTO BELIEVING IT WAS A SIGN OF WEAKNESS AND SHAME. I DIDN’T WANT TO BE HURT ANYMORE SO I INTERNALIZED THE PAIN. I MADE MYSELF DISSEAPEAR TO ANOTHER PLACE IN MY MIND. WHERE I COULDN’T BE REACHED AT ALL, NOT EVEN BY A VOICE THAT WAS KIND. I HAD TO APPEAR STRONG, TOLD MYSELF TO BE TOUGH, BUT MY BLACK EYES, THESE WELTS ON MY BODY AND BLOODY LIP, FOREVER CALLED MY BLUFF. I FELT LIKE I WAS NOTHING, I’M DIRT, NOT HUMAN A BASTARD. I WAS SCORNED. I AM A MISTAKE. I WISH I WAS DEAD. WHY WAS I EVEN BORN? WHEN I WAS BEATEN BLOODY, THEY CALLED IT TEACHING A LESSON. WHEN I WAS SCREAMED AT AND CALLED UGLY NAMES, THEY SAID IT WAS LOVE. BUT WHY WON’T THE PAIN IN MY HEART LESSEN? WHEN I WAS ABANDONED THEY CLAIMED THEY STILL CARED. BUT I ALWAYS WONDERED, EVEN TODAY, THEN WHY AIN’T YOU HERE? THESE ARE THE THOUGHTS, THAT RUN RAMPID TROUGH THE VOID IN MY MIND, THE FACE YOU SEE BEFORE YOU SMILING IS MY MASK, THAT I HIDE BEHIND. BECAUSE INSIDE, I’M BROKEN, SHATTERED, EMPTY, YET FILLED WITH PAIN. JUST THE SHELL OF A LITTLE BOY WHO ONCE REMAINED……. JUST THE SHELL OF THE MAN THAT I AM TODAY !!!! SHAUN J. MATZ

2009-02-22T12:26:00.000-08:00

Let my introduce myself properly:

My name is Sylvia, I am 42 years old and I live in the Netherlands.

Not so long ago I felt there was something missing in my life and I wondered if there was any way I could spend a little of my life not for myself or my own benefits, but also for others.
People who are less fortunate.

I decided to start corresponding with someone who got caught in the american prisonsystem and I was really shocked and cried many tears, reading about his feelings and about the way the American "justice" system works.

I also met some amazing people, working hard and dedicating their time to help (or at least try to help) improve the conditions in the various prisons.

I started tis Blog to share with you the thoughts, feelings and experiences of a man named Shaun.

I will post some of his poetry here, but as time goes on he will be journaling and sending it to me so I can update this Blog.

My hope is to show those people who think prison is like a vacation, you get your meals, no worries, just watching tv al day, that they are so wrong.

And if I can convince some people, even if it's 1 or 2 to help join the cause and to start reaching out to someone in prison than it will be worth it.